9th grade ethical dilemma: 

I have a friend that I’m not that close to anymore. We had a fight because of a misunderstanding. I apologised about my actions to my friend, but my friend isn’t apologising to me. She sticks to me a lot, ignoring my personal space. During the fight I told her to keep some distance sometimes. However she still sticks to me and I don’t feel good. I want to tell my friend that again, but my way of talking to her again may hurt her feelings. What should I do?

Londyn’s response: 

When friendships become uncomfortable due to crossed boundaries, it’s not only acceptable, but it’s also necessary to communicate this honestly. In this situation, reinforcing boundaries with kindness is the most ethical choice because it balances respect for the friend with self-respect and emotional well-being. Being able to be comfortable as well as happy in a friendship is a necessary trait in order to maintain a great friendship.

On one hand, you’ve already apologized, and you’re trying to move on, but on the other hand, your friend hasn’t fully taken reponsibility and they are continuing to ignore your needs for space, which can be irritating. This can create a sense of discomfort and tension in your friendship, which is not a good thing. Your fear of hurting your friend by being direct is real and something many people feel. This is something that can be especially obvious when there are certain past tensions or fights that may still be lingering.  I am not sure whether this is a factor or not in your case. 

Ethically speaking, setting boundaries with a friend is a big form of respect, not only for you but also for your friend. Being honest about the need for personal space doesn’t make you cruel or have bad intentions; it simply makes these boundaries clearer to ensure comfort and happiness for both you and your friend. If your friend truly values your friendship and relationship with her, then she should understand this. Letting yourself build up with this feeling of discomfort could lead to resentment and could further damage your friendship way more than a difficult but kind conversation where you’re just being open and honest while sharing your opinions. 

You could possibly speak to your friend and say something along the lines of “I do really care about you, but I think I need some personal space to help me feel more comfortable in our friendship”. I personally think that this shows empathy towards your friend while still making your boundaries clear and setting a boarder for what you’re comfortable with and uncomfortable with. I’ve been in many friendships, and personally, I find it to be better when I am able to be open and honest with them. I’ve had many conversations with friends, and I always make sure to fully plan them out so that it’s easier and I don’t forget what I wanted to say in the conversation. In this talk, you could start by using a soft tone and choosing the right time, like not being in school or just it being you two (not in a large group of people, or a loud setting). Usually, when I have to speak to my friends, I do it in a personal setting, for example, at someone’s house, or somewhere where we are both happy, and it is just the two of us. I find that by doing that, we go into the conversation with good intentions instead of it being us vs. each other. Try to look at it in a way where it is the problem, rather than you guys. When you’re in this talk, remember that this is your friend, and you should try your best to also hear them out.  By factoring all these things in, you could reduce the risk of hurting their feelings. 

I know that some people might say that bringing up this issue again could risk your friendship altogether, especially if your friend takes it personally. Yet, from that perspective, staying silent might seem like the safer, and maybe even kinder choice. However, silence often allows for very unhealthy patterns to continue and grow. A real and true friendship should be able to withstand uncomfortable conversations, especially when they come from a place of care. Avoiding conflict may protect your feelings temporarily, yet it sacrifices the authenticity and balance of the friendship overall. 

At the end of the day, you need honesty spoken with kindness while speaking to your friend because this is way more ethical than silence that leads to discomfort. By reinforcing your boundaries with your friend, you can protect both you and her by making sure you’re both comfortable with your friendship. This talk with your friend should allow your friendship to evolve in a healthier and more respectful direction so that you both are happy.  Good luck! You got this boo!! :))