Friendships are extremely hard to manage. Especially in 9th grade when you are going through so much change and are growing up fast. People can surprise you with how they act, and sometimes people’s actions make you feel a certain way – either good or bad. It’s normal to struggle with how to maintain friendships and also manage school and all that comes with it. Ninth grade is a perfect time to try new things and meet new people, but at the same time feeling loyal to your current friends feels of utmost importance. Even now, in my life, loyalty is something that causes confusion at times. Friends have gotten into arguments, and it makes me feel like I have to “choose a side” and stay “loyal” to certain friends. This makes me feel unsure and sometimes really sad, as I do not want to hurt anybody’s feelings. A hard life lesson to learn – and it will help you in the long term to understand now, in ninth grade, – is that in all situations you cannot make every single person happy. There will be people who are going to be disappointed by your actions, and simultaneously, there will be people who are grateful for your actions. It is through a process of determining the values that you find important, and assessing the circumstances and consequences of scenarios, that can guide you in ways to act. In terms of this particular dilemma of yours, I have an opinion of how you should go about thinking about this situation. If a careful deliberation of the scenario you are in ends in the conclusion that staying silent and not reporting anything causes harm to your friend or others, then reporting what happened is necessary. However, if staying silent does not cause any sort of harm, then using the power of friendship to facilitate a conversation about what happened would be extremely impactful in the long term to you and your friend.

The first step that needs to happen when assessing this situation where you do not know what to do, is that you first need to consider the consequences of your action. Everyone’s actions have impact and power. The lack of action, or presence of action in scenarios like these can also have monumental impacts. In this particular scenario, you need to think about the potential impact of your actions as well as the potential impact of your silence. If your friend is breaking school rules by harming themselves and not seeking help, then you must report what you know for the safety and benefit of your friend. In this case, if you stayed silent, you would be in the wrong for allowing what happened with your friend to continue by not intervening. Sometimes, you are not able to directly help – but speaking up and telling a trusted adult about what was happening is help in itself. To give an example of this, one time my friend was around a group of people who were using negative and harmful language. My friend didn’t feel right in that situation. She felt uncomfortable and felt like staying silent was an injustice to herself, as well as others who might have been harmed by the language being used So, instead of reporting what happened to the school administration, she instead spoke up and expressed her feelings to the group. By saying a simple phrase like “let’s not use this language,” she steered the group away from the harmful behavior and rhetoric that they were leaning towards and guided them towards a more positive conversation.

If the above judgement ends in a conclusion that reporting the situation to administration is not imperative, then through a reflective discussion with the person, growth can occur. Conversations between students themselves on a variety of topics are bound to be powerful. In my life, if I have an issue or topic that it is on my mind, the first people I would go to would be my friends. I would ask for their thoughts and then take that into account when forming my own choices. I don’t always go to my friends, but for the majority of instances where I’m unsure, I will go to them and ask for their opinions. Having a conversation with your friend who broke the rule is bound to be impactful. Friend to friend, face to face communication will lead the other person to listen to you and what you have to say. Your friend would rather listen to you, your friend, than the principal, for example. Christine Jackson who is a professor of Management at Wayne State University explained that engaging in communication with the other person is one of the best ways to overcome conflict. It is very important to note though, that when you do have this important conversation with your friend, that you actively listen and do not simply accuse them of their wrongdoing. It’s critical that you understand why they did what they did, and then offer solutions or positive ways to move forward from what happened. Surprisingly, as noted by the CreatingWE Institute, neurochemicals linked to connection and wellbeing such as oxytocin and dopamine are released during positive and trustworthy discussions! This fact is amazing – it shows us that actually through hard (but meaningful and impactful) discussions, feelings of closeness and comfort arise. This means that coming out of this hard conversation with your friend you both will feel closer. And in friendships, that is what matters – both in the short and long term.

Ultimately, there is no wrong choice about what to do. Make the best decision that you can based on your morals. Stay true to your inner voice and do not let others dictate how you act or think. You are capable of handling the toughness of situations like these where you must determine when to stay loyal and when to speak up. You should know that the skills you are making now, through navigating this scenario will be helpful to use later in life. You are preparing well for all that is to come! Best of luck – be confident in your choice, whatever it may be.