When I was 4 years old, I first saw, at one of my early competitions, how body image could affect dance. Before that day, I was just a normal kid, eating whatever I wanted and not worrying about my body. But when competition day arrived and I had to wear a sequinned bra and booty shorts, I suddenly felt insecure. I noticed my stomach sticking out more than the other kids, who were all using contour to make themselves look like they had been working out their whole lives.
We were 4.
After our performance, I watched the video my coach recorded and realized I looked different from my teammates. She pulled me aside and told me I needed to go on a diet and work on my physique for future competitions. I didn’t really understand what she meant at the time. Then came the awards ceremony, where we lost points for a “difference in look.” My coach showed me all my scores, and I saw that all my dances had the same comment. That day opened my eyes to how much body image can impact you in dance. This has had a lasting impact on my dance journey and presented significant challenges along the way.
At the age of 10, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder due to my practice of intentionally restricting food intake before competitions. During this time, I was deeply immersed in dance, competing almost three times a month, which added immense pressure to perform well. In my determination to succeed, I would often force myself not to eat for days leading up to competitions, believing it would help me look better on stage. I would spend countless hours practicing, pushing my body to its limits while neglecting my hunger. The situation reached a critical point after my last national solo performance before our two-month summer break. As soon as I stepped off stage, I collapsed in the arms of a teammate and fainted. I was quickly taken to the nurse’s office, where the staff realized that I hadn’t been eating properly and had drained all my energy during my performance.
After that alarming incident, I recognized the need for change. I learned to prioritize my health and well-being, making it a point to eat at least a day before competitions. I also committed to refueling my body with food after each dance. This experience has taught me valuable lessons about balancing nutrition and health with my passion for dance, emphasizing that taking care of myself is essential for my performance and overall well-being.
Even though dance has sometimes made me feel negatively about myself, it’s also been my obsession and a safe space, especially after my parents divorced. During that time, I leaned on my friends and my coach for support. My coach really pushed me to become a better dancer, and every week I learned new solos and group dances. This kept my mind off everything going on around me. But over time, I realized that this obsession was actually hurting me. I started pulling away from my friends and lost touch with people from school. I was solely focused on my dance career, so I only felt happy if I won first-place medals. This was during the seventh grade, and I ended up losing a lot of friends that year, and lost a part of myself until my best friend helped me see what I was doing.
Dance had given me a safe space, but it also created a negative environment for me. I became too obsessed and evolved into someone who was all about dance. I remember doing a solo about a child going through custody with her parents, and I was really scared to perform it. But when I got on stage, because my parents are divorced, I saw both my parents sitting on opposite sides of the theater, I poured all my emotions into that dance. As I finished, I started to tear up, realizing that while I couldn’t escape my life, I could start to bring myself back to a better place.
My experiences in dance have been like a roller coaster. In seventh grade, my coach asked the soloists if we wanted to perform a duet with a boy for an upcoming show. My friend and I decided to participate just for fun, excited to explore new dance styles. The next day, my coach introduced me to a boy named Zacc and revealed the dance title, “That Girl’s Just Got to Be Kissed.” I immediately remembered it from Dance Moms, where Maddie Ziegler had to kiss a boy. I nervously asked, “Do I have to kiss him?” My coach confirmed we were following the original choreography. That was a yes. After learning the full routine, the moment I dreaded arrived. I repeated my concern, but my coach insisted we needed to practice to feel comfortable. With a countdown of 3, 2, 1, we kissed. I ran out to tell my friends, who were shocked. I never expected my first kiss to happen in a dance studio with someone I had just met. This experience taught me how to persevere and adapt to unexpected situations, even when I wasn’t entirely ready.
Dancing has given me immense opportunities for success in my life. This year, I was the only freshman selected for the varsity dance team, and I had an incredible opportunity to participate in a photoshoot with one of the leading dance apparel companies in Thailand. Throughout my journey, dance has shaped my perspective in both positive and negative ways. I have gained valuable insights and persevered through various challenges, and it has consistently served as a safe space for me. Whenever I need to clear my mind, I turn to dance, which has profoundly influenced my life and allowed me to embrace new experiences. Now, I have the privilege of teaching younger students, sharing the lessons I wish I had known at their age.
