I have a “friend” who thinks we’re so close and takes me for granted, but I started not liking them at all after they did many many things that I just find unacceptable. I now honestly wish bad things happen to them, and I feel like this is a really toxic relationship, but I think I’m too deep in this so-called best friend relationship to extract myself. What should I do?

Response by senior Kira Laszlo: 

As you go through high school, it’s natural to gain and lose friends along the way. You’re growing up and maturing, which means your interests will likely change, as will your hobbies and morals in some cases. It’s precisely for this reason that your friend groups will change too, as you distance yourself from those you don’t have much in common with anymore and grow close to people you never knew you’d get along with so well. Your friend, who it seems you’ve known for a long time, is likely not the best fit for you anymore, and you should drop them for your own wellbeing and personal morals.

With the way your friend is treating you, your health and peace of mind will only grow worse the longer you stay in a toxic friendship with them. I personally have been in friend groups where it was toxic in all forms and consisted mostly of gossiping and talking down about each other and people we know. The amount of negativity in those friendships was insane, and after a while it started to wear down on my own mental health, causing me to be irritated all the time, not to mention more mean as a result of my environment. Hanging out with rude or mean people can cause you to act the same way, which can ruin your mental health. I ended up leaving the group after a year because of my friends’ advice, and it was the best decision I could have made. I became so much happier, not to mention more secure and stronger mentally. Because I have been in such a similar situation, I know exactly how you feel and hope I can give you the same advice I received before I left my toxic friendships. The longer you stay, the more this toxicity will wear down on you, just as it did to me, so I urge you to leave the friendship and distance yourself before the negative energy becomes too overbearing.

In addition to your mental health, your morals can be compromised if you stay with this toxic “friend.” You said that they have done things you find “unacceptable,” which I’m assuming means they go against your morals or beliefs. Continuing to stay friends with them associates you directly with their actions and goes against what you believe is right. Your own morals should come above this friendship, especially if it’s seemingly not benefitting you at all. Don’t compromise what you believe is right just because you think you’re too deep into this friendship, because it’s never too late to leave a situation that isn’t healthy for you. If something is unacceptable to you, don’t continue to support it even indirectly, but instead leave the situation that is causing such moral conflict for you.

However, while your reasons for disliking this person seem justified, it is worth noting that wishing “bad things” onto this friend makes you seem just as bad as them and comes off as not only mean but immature. I know that whatever they’re doing to you and others may seem inexcusable, but you should never stoop to their level by wishing them harm. Try to think of the bigger picture instead. Will this matter in two months? Six months? A year? Will you really hate them forever? I know I felt that way at first when I dealt with bullies in freshman and sophomore years, but looking back I realize that it actually didn’t matter that much and I don’t even think about those people anymore, let alone wish bad things would happen to them. You have to remember that this person is also just a 14- or 15-year-old and doesn’t know everything yet. Don’t hold hate for them in your heart, as it will only equate you with someone rude like them.

Overall, the larger message you should take from this is that staying in a toxic relationship with someone will only lead to disturbances of your wellbeing and values, but wishing them harm isn’t the solution either. My advice is to leave this friendship for your own piece of mind, but when you leave it don’t continue to talk bad about this person or hate them. Even though it’s easier said than done, keep them out of sight and out of mind, and leave them out of your life entirely. By doing so, you protect your wellbeing, hold strong to your personal beliefs, and come out as the bigger, more mature person. Good luck. You got this!